Adventures of a New Mom

Last night I couldn't sleep. I have been sleeping pretty awful for a few months now, well I guess pretty much since Jude was born...but waking up every two hours for feedings for the first couple months doesn't really count.

I don't know what it was about last night but I just felt weird about going to sleep. I finally laid down and tried and couldn't stop just thinking about all the things going on. I feel we have been in a never ending state of turmoil. I almost feel like things are never going to be settled for us, we will always be kept on pins and needles. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I just need to come to peace with it. Our path is never sure.

So I started thinking about my brother. Him and I have had a rough relationship in the past years. He has been through A LOT. I worry about him and feel the same never ending turmoil, but his seems different. His life isn't filled with love. I honestly sometimes feel that every time I see him could be the last. Right now his future doesn't look like what he deserves. At 2am I sent him a text: I love you. He immediately wrote me back: I love you too! I just felt like this is something he doesn't hear often. He wrote me again asking if I was ok and what was I doing up so late. I just told him I couldn't sleep and was thinking about him. He said he thinks about us all the time and really misses us. I just started crying.

I forget the power the Lord has over our lives, and that he will use us to change the lives of others. My brother needs a change and the only way he can get it is through God. Being the only believer in my whole family...this leaves it to me. I am scared, I have doubts.